Captain's Log: 2005.02

02.12.05: Bother

Allow me to say I am not the most self-conscious of girls, but everyone has their limits. While I was shoe shopping with my mum on Sunday we stopped to get some coffee and out of nowhere she asked, "Do you want braces?" At the moment I was not quite sure how to respond so I just kept the straw in my mouth. Since she did not feel the need to speak anymore about it I asked if my teeth were crooked or something and she said, "No, but your jaw is a little on the round side." Yeah, well, my whole head structure is a little on the round side too. There is even the perfect amount of room for my wisdom teeth. It is not as though my head is circular, just a little more rounded than most peoples. Which makes it near impossible to steal my hairstyle, so hah to you!

In the mall parking lot I saw a few cars from California. Why would anyone drive all that way and into Illinois to stop in Rockford? Keep on going, this town is strangling itself, and not many people want to look an insane person in the eye these days. An industrial city with dying factories and more trees than one could count. The news is rarely accurate and the public school system is looking as hopeful as a tangled slinky. At least all the right circles know the private schools, but I am lucky in that respect because a lot of people cannot afford them. Not to say there isn't a shortage of near rich, who seem to be bigger snobs than the rich themselves.

Fog is no rare occurrence anymore. On some days it drifts out and covers the whole city. You cannot see the sky or anything more than twenty yards in front of you. When you look out at it from the school windows and can just faintly make out the still flag on an invisible pole it makes you wonder if maybe you will be stuck here forever. I've loved playing in the fog since I was little. It surrounded you but no matter how hard you look you can't see it until you step back. I would slowly lose my friends in it one by one until I was the only person left. When I look back, I think they were afraid to get lost, because as soon as I was out of sight they would huddle against the school wall. I cannot see the point of being frightened of something you do not even know. There is nothing wrong with fear, but you should not let it be your dominant emotion like that. Although lately I have a feeling just a bit on edge, but I have not the faintest idea why.

I was a little surprised that Monday will be Valentine's Day. I imagine that for me it will just be like any other day. Cannot say I am exactly the flowers and candy type of girl. It would be enjoyable to have some kind of companion, but I do not expect that to happen anytime soon. Maybe I do not even care, because I have become used to my own company, no matter how many people surround me. Sometimes I still feel like a little child. I wish something would happen, I want to go, to know what lies beyond and what lies after that. Maybe I will find something to explain why, after all the foolish things this species has done, I still feel the need to help it. I cannot even call it being chauvinistic towards humans because I am probably too self-absorbed. Perhaps a long time ago there were sides but now they have fought so long they have become each other. Thoughts so close and so far from this make for a difficult discussion, and this tea is really scalding my tongue.

Why am I so bloody restless? I have had fragmented sleep for months and now I get this feeling. A lot of kids are anxious because we are choosing our classes for next year, but those kinds of things are no more than a bother. I care about my grade, but only to the point that it may hinder my next step. The actual knowledge to be gained is more important, although I do wish there were more class options. I am getting a little irked when I hear, "Just wait for college, Summie." Time is passing now and though there is more I will not have this moment. Not in the sense to change it, anyway. All the e-mails and letters I'm getting from schools are making me wish they would just go away because by then I will probably already be bored with those lectures, too. I could write a book with all the passing thoughts I have during a class period. Perhaps I should, and then I could make millions and build a castle of white stone on a distant foggy mountain. That be nice, I would think. Or I will just become bored and sleep until the world grows up. Now my vision is getting too blurry to make out what I am typing. It is so late and I am tired in so many different ways that my adrenaline store is about to bite the bullet. Oh to sleep, to dream eternal.

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.

Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914)

02.24.05: Darn Llamas

I am not sure whether I am more annoyed or just anxious for the day to finish. Every muscle in my body seizes at the least amount of movement. All day I have been trying to only move when absolutely necessary, but even sitting up makes my neck and arms shake. I cannot see any reason for me to be so sore. I am not terribly out of shape or anything and I have not exactly been pushing myself more than normal with exercise sessions. When I tried to do the treadmill tonight my legs buckled and I narrowly missed falling on the track. At least with that small stroke of luck I did not tear all the skin off my legs like last time. I did have to reset my knee into place though. It popped seven or eight times today, which is just fantastic. I do not care if there is pain because I can deal with that just like any other emotion. I just utterly loathe not being able to move at will. I am going to try the treadmill again because I will make my legs work. Maybe I will just walk instead of running tonight. I hope that I just have some weird virus that will subside. Either way, it better leave before gym class tomorrow. Basketball is fun to play, but I will be next to worthless if nothing is working properly. I hate this, I just hate it.

It seems that I never talk about school anymore. It is not incredibly precious to me, but I cannot say I despise it with any amount of passion. School is not any motivation to fall out of bed. Especially this morning, because I did not reach my alarm clock and fell right on my chin. How was I supposed to bloody know my legs were not going to support me. Hah, I wonder if overweight people have that problem all the time. Something else was strange, too. I woke up with a rather sizeable cut on my leg. I remember feeling that in my dream but I had not thought anything of it. I must have forgotten to put away the stuff on top of my bed before I went to sleep. I could not find anything when I looked after school though. Maybe this is some sort of revenge for me laughing at the torture special I was watching. Probably not though, it was not a giddy type of laugh.

Ah, this whole entry makes me want to kick some hard object. I keep putting off adding some pictures. I am sure you are positively dying to see me.

Don't dive into murky waters.

Microsoft Word Assistant Robot (Yes, it's odd.)

All ramblings of Erica Feggestad 2000-2008