Captain's Log: 2004.10

10.16.04: Where In Creation Is It?

Where does the time go? Does it recycle itself or is it gone forever, even though forever is time in itself? Linear time is just one part of our fragmented conception of reality anyway. Now someone may just tell me I think too much; that I should fill the void with studying, love, exercise and hell, why not even ice cream. Then you might watch me counter these with an unfathomable amount of excuses. How can I study what is in my mind warped? Won't you let me change the world myself? Do you know how hard it is to live feeling that part of your very being is searching for you but you remained shackled to this illusion? How easy do you think it is to find something as intricate as the strings of harmony? Are you not aware I always feel like someone is protecting me? Our bodies are terrific and serve a purpose but aren't they only means to an end? Is there not more to life than physical needs? You tell me to eat, but then you will turn and judge me as having no self-control, won't you? Why are you so afraid of the results? When will you accept that maybe, just perhaps, I am different, and so are you from me?

There are moments where I begin to wonder if I am insane. If it were so, though, my motives would surely be clearer in the sheer chaos of my mind. They always seem to know that what they are doing is what they were meant to. I've not the faintest memorization of lines for the part I will play in this world. All those I call friends are content with this state of the world. They will become doctors, teachers or scientists then find someone they may or may not be able to stand for the rest of their lives and wed them. Most of them will bring some people into the world. I cannot say this is any more right than what I speculate as a future. I cannot even give you an honestly say I think right and wrong exist as simply as they would seem to. When I ask why people are so willing to live like this, they tell me they can only do what they know. If that is so, I must know something that they somehow forgot. I am not going to settle for this. I will keep searching for whatever it may be that seems to bind me. If I am not able to find it in this life, do not think of me as some sort of wasted life. Time will rewrite over and over and I must get it right in some future.

Dreams surely are difficult, confusing, and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. For fleeting dreams have two gates: one is fashioned of horn and one of ivory. Those which pass through the one of sawn ivory are deceptive, bringing tidings which come to nought, but those which issue from the one of polished horn bring true results when a mortal sees them.

Homer (800 BC - 700 BC)

10.21.04: School Days

*dances* My quarter exams are over and done. Right now I am still at school and really should be paying attention to my teacher but I cannot stand to do anymore MicroType Pro. 'Tis beneath me. No offense meant to all the other students doing it. I just have much more important things to do. Like bugging somebody to clear their queue. Yes, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite but I will work on mine as soon as I get home.

Ah, still fifteen more minutes of class. I am not sure that I can do anything to update on this computer. At least I will get out of school early due to the chocolate drive. One of the school adminitrators was telling us this morning that selling chocolate is the will of God. Needless to say, I don't think that that was in any scriptures. Why would they say that? "And then Jesus said to his apostles, 'Go forth and sell chocolate. Travel to the corners of the earth to preach the good deal.'" Where the heck in the Bible was that?

Woot, class is almost over and I will finish this update from the comfort of my own computer chair. These things don't even spin. But before I go, I leave you with my own quote. I said it at a Breast Cancer walkathon.

I'm high on life! It's just a bad trip.

Summerica (1989 - infinity)

10.26.04: Toast to Human Nature

Sorry, I tend to be an impulsive liar when it comes to updates. Some people just have no concept of time and it cannot be helped. I added a few tutorials that have been rotting away on my hard drive for a while. I am working on and off adding old and new parts to my Majora's Mask walkthrough. Perhaps it was a bad decision to take them off in the first place. At least I know how to take the blame for my errors, which is quite unlike some people I know. It would feel so wonderful to wish them ill but should one bad deed forever stain?

Today I was home alone for about two hours after school. Being far too restless to do homework I decided to twirl in circles and beat my pillows to individual threads while wearing bunny ears. If you take offense to this random gesture know that I felt terrific. Speaking of disliking and such, my gym class starts dancing tomorrow. I have nothing against dancing, but stepping to elevator music is not really my thing. That and there is far more girls than boys. Here's to not getting stuck with the smelly kids.

A disturbing dream came to me last night. I thought that I was still awake and got up to look for a drawing I had been working on but lost. My house seemed a bit different but I shrugged it off because I always notice weird stuff. I eventually found it in my basement amongst some papers I printed out for French. I just left it there because I did not feel like adding to it and went back to my room. When I was about to get back into bed I couldn't breathe because I was already in it. Everything was so real and it took me a while to process the fact that I must be dreaming. I haven't had those kinds of dreams for years. Maybe someone knows what I am talking about. It gives you the strangest feeling. At least I remembered where my drawing was.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)

All ramblings of Erica Feggestad 2000-2008